Connections
by D. M. Evans
Summary: Upon learning Spike’s sort of back in the land of the living, Buffy heads to L.A. to talk to both her former lovers and takes along a surprise ally.
1. Buffy

CONNECTIONS By D. M. Evans Disclaimer - I don't own them. Joss does. I'm just happy for the chance to play with them a little. Spoiler - Post Chosen, and let's say the first month or so of S5 of AtS (but not too spoilery beyond hey, Spike's in L.A.) Rating - R (mostly for language) Summary - Upon learning Spike's sort of back in the land of the living, Buffy heads to L.A. to talk to both her former lovers and takes along a surprise ally. Author's Note - All lyrics are from Sarah McLachlan's Fallen and no, I don't own them either.  
  
CHAPTER ONE - BUFFY  
  
Heaven bend to take my hand  
  
I've nowhere left to turn  
  
I'm lost to these I thought were friends  
  
To everyone I know  
  
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed  
  
Pretend that they don't see  
  
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it  
  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed  
  
I felt inside out. For weeks now, Spike's been back among the living, more or less. Willow knew while we were in Italy but waited until we had returned to London before telling me. Xander knew. He was the only one Willow trusted with that information. God, that sounded so petty to me but I knew it's true. Maybe she wanted to protect me from myself or maybe it's because over these past few months since Sunnydale died, there're been too many strains on our friendship.  
  
We're all working hard, too hard but if we don't then we have time to think about things that are better left not thought. I love Willow. She's my best friend but we're not always going to see eye to eye. I keep telling myself that's natural. It's the way it's supposed to be but the things we're not seeing eye to eye on are big, deep to the bone things. So we all throw ourselves into rebuilding the Council and finding and training all the new Slayers, pretending nothing's wrong. The former was too big of a task but we keep trying.  
  
If we don't then we'll all be trapped by our thoughts; Xander thinking how much he's grown to hate Andrew for not being the one to die; Dawn thinking about how scared she is now that her future fell into a giant hole with the rest of her life; Giles thinking about how he lost my trust when he let Kennedy and the girls drive me out and when he let Robin try to kill Spike; Faith thinking about Robin's death. We had been so sure he'd make it only to have him die from complications a week later; Willow thinking that the rest of us hate her lover and in my case, why shouldn't I? The bitch betrayed me in the worst possible way, turning kin and kith from me.  
  
Kith, what a funny word. Brenna taught it to me. I was surprised when I met her, thinking all Watchers were either the stuffy Giles type or the psychotic Special Ops type. Brenna was wild, called herself a hedge witch. Whatever, all I know is she's Giles' age and she's into him. At first poor Giles was so embarrassed to have us all watching them like we were still high schoolers at a dance but now he doesn't care. I can't blame him. For the first time seven years, he's getting regular sex.  
  
Of course, I felt pretty thankful to him right now. He's one of the few on my side. He's the one who told me about Spike. Wes had called him to check the details on some demon or another and wondered why I hadn't at least been curious about Specter Spike. That's what had me roaming Highgate Cemetery alone. I wanted to go back to L.A., if only for a visit. Willow and Xander had hit the ceiling. I couldn't believe it. Faith and Dawn kept out of the verbal brawl. Later, my sister told me she understood why I wanted to go back but she wished Spike had remained dead because it meant I was free. I wished she had never found out about that rape attempt. She couldn't forgive it and didn't understand how I could. Why couldn't I tell her that I hadn't forgiven him? I could never forgive that but I needed him. There was a connection there, not love but deep, a strange sort of need. And in the end he came through for not only me but the whole world.  
  
That's why I wanted to go back. He deserved to be thanked properly. Xander and Willow thought I wanted him back as a lover and they're bound and determined to stop me. It's so hard. I know they mean well. They wanted me to be happy but I couldn't make them see this is my choice, that it wasn't even about taking Spike back. Right now, I wanted to be man-free. There was too much about myself that needed discovery without having to worry about men. It didn't help that Kennedy joined in, snarling at me, defending Willow. She even called me a necrophiliac. I thought Giles was going to hit her for that. He managed to end the fight but Xander's words still rang in my ears.  
  
There was such venom in his voice. It reminded me of the year I met him and he told me he guessed a guy had to be dead before I paid attention to him. It was one of my real first tastes of destructive jealousy. A part of me wondered if things with Anya went south because he was still a little in love with me but I tried to tell myself that's nuts. Maybe it's because all his parents ever did was yell, maybe that's all he knows how to do when he's scared. I thought he was afraid I'd never come back if I saw Spike again. A sour taste hit the back of my throat as I thought about that party they threw for me when I came back after sending Angel to hell.  
  
I felt as raw and bloody now as I had that night. All I wanted was to see Spike again. I owed him that much and my friends acted like they were embarrassed to know me. I should have handled it differently. I thought being honest with them instead of just running off and telling them after the fact would be for the best. I've tried that other way and I knew how much it hurt them but this way had been no better. Maybe we all have more growing up to do or need a little of our own space.  
  
I was going to have that space. Nothing was stopping me from going to L.A. I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I didn't know if my emotional bank could cover the cost but I was willing to risk it; Spike and Angel all in one visit. What must Angel be thinking especially now that he's stuck with Spike? Wes had told Giles how the ghostly vampire couldn't leave. I couldn't see one without the other but if those two could survive being tied together then I could deal with seeing them both.  
  
And as odd as it sounds, I was even more frightened to see Angel than I was Spike. I knew what I was going to say to Spike. That was the easy part. I knew that things weren't over between me and Angel despite my little speech. The kiss we shared was proof of that. That wasn't the kiss of just friends. The thing between us was still there undiminished despite Riley and Spike. I felt like I could drown in its salty waters.  
  
Going back, I felt like I was falling with no one there to catch me. Spike and Angel might not want to see me again. Maybe they needed to move on with their un-lives since I wasn't ready to have them in mine again, at least not full time, not yet. After the fight, maybe my friends didn't want to see me again either. Still, I had to do this and to hell with what they thought. Wounds had to be lanced before they could heal and I needed to feel that touch of steel.  
  
I wiped away the tears pricking at my eyes when I heard some thing behind me. I whirled, ready to stake whatever might fade in out of the shadows. Moonlight glinted on the enormous monuments. Instead of something stakable, I saw Faith by a huge tree, her face unreadable.  
  
"Hey, B."  
  
"What're you doing here, Faith," I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.  
  
"Same thing you are, patrolling." She sauntered over to me. "And I had a favor to ask."  
  
I steeled myself, trying to imagine what Faith wanted. I tried not to be too harsh on her. She really was trying. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it. She had betrayed me too many times. The memories of her in Angel's arms in L.A. still hurt as fresh as the night I found them at his place but he had been right. Faith had been redeemable. I shut my eyes, willing away the memories of how I treated Angel that day. I had mixed such a lethal potion of anger, jealousy and betrayal in that cauldron. I treated him like Xander had treated me over the years. Xander's never once apologized for his harsh words. Neither have I. Now I knew my first words to Angel when I got there. "What do you need, Faith?"  
  
That sounded harsher than I wanted it to but Faith didn't seem to notice. "I want to go with you to L.A."  
  
I took a step back and nearly fell over a headstone. "What?"  
  
"I'm not trying to stop you, B, or get in your way," she said quickly, holding a hand out. "I just want to see Angel again and thank him. The same goes for Wes."  
  
"For not giving up on you?" I could understand that.  
  
"I would have died if not for him." Faith glanced at her feet.  
  
"I think you could have handled those Watchers in L.A.," I said.  
  
Faith shook her head, her dark hair melding with the shadows. "I'm not talking about that." She sat on a marble bench and indicated for me to join her. I perched on a nearby headstone shaped like a tree stump and listened in disbelief to the stuff she claimed she had wanted to tell me ever since Sunnydale went underground but the timing was never right.  
  
She had been inside Angel's head. She knew him intimately. Faith knew my Angel better than I ever would. She saved him and all I felt was blinding jealousy. Then I remembered that fight earlier tonight. I hadn't sunk so low into a well of self-pity that I couldn't see what would happen if I let that jealousy rule.  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy."  
  
"For what?" I got up and went over to her. "You saved his life, Faith. You gave Willow the time she needed to do her spell. Angel doesn't want to be Angelus. He'd rather be dead, which isn't going to happen if Angelus gets free. The demon always has way too much fun here. I'm grateful you were there for him. I wish I had been free to be there to help but it didn't happen that way." I really meant that. Once there was a time when Angel and I always knew when the other needed help. Now we could miss it even if it was written in neon across the moon.  
  
She smiled. "Thanks, B. For what it's worth, he loves you. I saw that all too clearly. I'm not telling you what to do or anything, 'cause it ain't my place. From what I saw, Spike loves you too and I wouldn't want to be in your position for the world." She laughed mirthlessly. "For a change."  
  
Boy, I was so not expecting that. She was right. Getting caught between them was a horrible place to be. If I didn't know how Dru went mad, I might have guessed it was from being the Milkbone between Spike and Angel. "I know they do. That's one of the reasons I have to go to L.A."  
  
"I totally get it. That's why I kept out of the blow up. They don't trust me as it is. I didn't need to piss gasoline on the fire. I guess, while I'm confessing, I should tell you one more important thing. You had it all backwards about why I went to L.A. in the first place," Faith said.  
  
"You were running from me and the Council," I said simply. What more was there to understand?  
  
"No, hell, I wasn't afraid of you, B. I was afraid of me." Her voice broke. If she cried I didn't know what I'd do. "I went to L.A. to get Angel to kill me. Suicide by vampire, only he wouldn't play. He thought he could save me, like he saved himself."  
  
My eyes widened. I knew I had to be gaping like an idiot. "So that's why you tortured Wes."  
  
Faith shrugged. "That and because he owed me that pound of flesh for being such a fuck up when I needed a Watcher. That's what I was thinking at the time. I know now it wasn't his fault."  
  
"Angel would never have killed you, Faith." There was no doubt in my voice. Even in Sunnydale no one tried harder than Angel to save Faith and back then I resented it.  
  
"I know...but Wes nearly did. I don't know if he realizes I hadn't fallen apart so much that I didn't see him going for my back with that kitchen knife. To this day, I don't know why Wes tried to protect me from the Council and that's why I want to go back to L.A."  
  
I stared at her for a few moments, shocked. "I'd be glad for the company." The words sounded so open and honest I think they surprised us both.  
  
"Thanks, B." She smiled at me and for once her usual smarm was missing from her grin.  
  
"No problem. Anything else you want to get off your chest?" I asked, thinking there was more, probably none of my business a lot of it but hey, for once, I got Faith talking and it wasn't all bluster and posturing.  
  
"Yeah, watch out for vampires." Her grin went its usual wicked.  
  
I whirled and saw them coming through the headstones. We both leapt into the fray with enthusiasm. After getting shunned earlier, having something to take my anger out on felt good. 


	2. Faith

CHAPTER TWO - FAITH

_Though I've tried I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here and  
Tell me I told you so_

I was shocked when Buffy wanted me along. I knew she had to be humiliated after the big fight with Willow and Xander. Those two should just learn to butt out. I wished I knew what I was doing. We were both kinda hoping we could lean on each other just a little, give each other the strength to do this. 

I knew what seeing Angel and Spike was going to cost Buffy. For me, Angel was pretty much cost free. He and I were five by five. I just wanted to say thanks once more. It was Wes I was afraid of  seeing. We had gotten on so well after he busted me out of jail it was easy to forget what I had done to him. The world was ending in darkness and there was no time to hash out all the shit I had put him through. I left for Sunnydale so fast there hadn't been time afterwards, either. I owed it to him to admit to my sins and ask for forgiveness. Boy, with thoughts like that, you'd think I had been raised Catholic. Maybe it was catching. I'd bet Angel had been Catholic way back when.

I still couldn't believe they're working Wolfram and Hart, though. I filled Buffy in on all the evil shit I knew the firm had done during our flight. It helped. We both had something to concentrate on during the long plane ride other than our fears. Buffy seemed more confused than I was at it all. We were operating under the theory maybe a brain-sucker had gotten hold of Angel and his friends because that's about the only thing that made sense.

When we got to Wolfram and Hart, Angel wasn't there. I told Buffy we should at least tell someone we were coming but she insisted there was no time. No doubt she was right. The Council, such as it was, would have been pissed we didn't clear it with them first.  Fred showed us to some rooms that the firm keeps for visiting clients and not a moment too soon. After finding Angel's office we both nearly staked Harmony before Fred showed up, stopped us and told us Angel was out playing in the sewers or whatever a vampire does in the day if he's not sleeping. I mean, who would have guessed Angel was dumb enough to hire Harmony? I think Buffy still wants to go back and do it just for all the crap Harmony pulled on her back in school. Who am I to stop her?

After taking us to our rooms, Fred directed Buffy to the last known location of phantom Spike. I sucked it up and headed for the library in search of Wesley. He was alone and I couldn't be more thankful for that. It spared me having to lead him away to have a private talk. I would have gotten too nervous. He nearly dropped the stack of books he had been carrying when he saw me. He flung them haphazardly onto a desk with a loud bang and jogged over to hug me. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting, so informal, so unlike him. We both held on a little too long, no passion there, just pain. He was hurting. I could almost taste it.

"Whatever are you doing here, Faith?" he asked, sitting one skinny butt cheek up on the desk, propping himself up with the other leg. 

"Buffy and I had some unfinished business here," I said, trying to remain light. Instead, I felt the tears coming, barely able to stop them. Still, my eyes must have been red and cloudy because Wes' face went pale and he got up off the desk to take my arm.

"What's wrong, Faith?" The concern in his voice sapped all my emotional strength.

"I wanted to say I am sorry." My voice was so thick and husky I'm not sure he could even understand what I rasped out. The tears wouldn't be good and stay unshed. I felt Wes' arm go around me and he pulled me against him.

I buried my face against his stubbly neck. God, he was boney. Yeah, Faith, concentrate on that, anything to stop this ridiculous bout of girlishness. It didn't exactly work. I kept sobbing and he just tightened his arms around me, making it worse because he wasn't supposed to be this warm and caring. He should be laughing at my pain. I deserved it.

Instead, he just held me, whispering soft words that bounced off the shield of my sorrow. I shifted my face against him and saw a long scar on his neck. When the hell did he get that? I hadn't noticed it before but it was old, healed. He had to have had the scar when he busted me out of jail but who cut his throat for him? This was one tough man to have survived that and me, too. I wondered if he knew that. I managed to get my sniveling under control.

"I have something that'll make you feel better," Wes was saying, trying to steer me towards an inner door. 

I let him lead me into his office. It was like jumping back across to England but it looked comfortable and homey, unlike the rest of this glass and steel monstrosity they called a law office. He even had honey-gold paneling and, of course, more books. On his desk was an electric tea kettle. A bubble of laughter ripped out of me. "You and Giles, is there nothing you think tea can't cure?" I pointed at the pot.

Wes smiled wryly as I dried my face. "There is nothing tea can't cure but I was thinking more along the lines of this." He went to one of the book shelves and picked up a crystal decanter filled with amber liquid and two glasses. He sat as his desk with it and I sat across from him. "It's only ten-year-old scotch but it's single malt. It should be serviceable."

"Thanks." I knew it wouldn't help to tell him as far as I was concerned, all scotch tasted the way I figured gasoline had to taste. It didn't matter. I'd drink just about anything. I took the glass from him and let the smoky scotch burn down my throat. A wave of warmth coursed out of my belly afterwards.

He took a sip then set the glass down, templing his long fingers. "Now, would you like to tell me what this is all about?"

I couldn't even look at him. I knew he'd be watching me with those big blue eyes of his. "I never said I was sorry."

"Sorry for...oh."

The sound in his voice drew my eyes to him. I couldn't miss that pain. I could only imagine the nightmares I had given him. "I know I can't actually say I'm sorry for what I did to you. You can't apologize for something like that, can't ever make it right."

"I'm not expecting you to." Wes knocked back the rest of his scotch and poured more. _ Yeah, Faith, this is doing him a ton of good.  His eyes pierced into me. "I wanted you dead that night."_

"I don't-" He held up a hand to silence me.

"But I trusted Angel to know what he was doing and that was hard. I wasn't used to putting full faith, if you'll forgive the choice of words, in someone else. However, Angel seemed confident you could be redeemed and if I could believe that a demon like him was capable and worthy than I had to believe it of you. That was why I tried to protect you from Special Ops. Though I am curious why you're here now. I would have thought my breaking you out of jail would have said it all."

That comment snapped me back to reality from which I had been retreating. He hadn't slipped that knife into my back because of Angel. I hadn't expected that. I always assumed he had just run out of the last of his strength before he got to me. "Yeah, it did say it all. You needed a weapon to fight Angelus and the Beast and you came to get one."

Wes splashed more scotch into my glass and I drank it greedily, heedless of the burn. "I suppose I should have realized you'd see it that way. Of course, that was certainly part of it but if I hadn't already forgiven you as much as I am able, I would have sent Cordelia to free you." His brow furrowed. "I'm glad I didn't do that given she was being controlled by the demonic child within her. She might have killed you in the car on the way back to L.A."

"She always did hate me." I rolled my shoulders. "Did you ever figure out whose demon kid she was carrying?"

Wes shook his head. "We figure either she was impregnated in the so-called higher realm, which was why she was taken there in the first place or perhaps it was Groo's."

"Groo?" What the hell kind of name was Groo?

"Long story." He reached out to me and covered my hand with his. He had big hands for such a skinny man. "Faith, I appreciate how hard it had to be to come here and face me. Consider your apology accepted and, Faith, I'm glad things are finally working out for you now. If I had done a better job in Sunnydale, all of this might not be necessary."

I was struck by the regret in his voice, the sadness. "Wes, when I blamed you for everything that happened to me, that was just all the rage in me bleeding out. You didn't..."

"Turn you into what you became? No, perhaps not. You've never really spoken about where you came from, Faith, not to me or Giles or even Buffy beyond a few cryptic remarks, enough to know that you came from a bad family," he interrupted. 

"Understatement of the year," I muttered.

He ducked his head. "I understand what that's like."

My eyes narrowed. I could feel a sudden flare of anger burning in my cheeks. I hated when people tried to empathize with things they couldn't understand in a million years. "Really."

"My father used to beat me and my mother mercilessly on top of all the emotional abuse. I still wake up some nights in a cold sweat, dreaming about the time Mother got in between me and him when I was about ten. He punched out her teeth. I remember them lying on the carpeting like bloody bits of ivory." He swallowed hard and I wanted to say something but my tongue wouldn't work. "Nothing I ever did was right. I think that was why I was such an arrogant, self-righteous ponce when I came to Sunnydale. I had to prove to him I was better than he thought I could be and all I did was prove he was right about me."

"If he was right, you wouldn't be here now," I said, getting up to pace the room, glass in hand. It was easier to look at all the books than it was to see the pain in his eyes.

He smiled sadly. "Thank you. But there's no denying I was my own worst enemy in Sunnydale. I did nothing to help anyone. I honestly did think I was doing the right thing when I sent the Special Ops to bring you to London. We had people there that could have helped you. But I did it in the worst possible way and for no other reason than I wanted to be the one to save you, not Giles."

"I'm pretty sure by then it was too late for me, Wes, but I guess it did make it worse." I shrugged, leaning against a bookcase. "Or that's what I thought at the time. I did blame you but that's because it was easier than blaming me. I don't blame you any more," I said and knew then that it was true. 

He took a sip of scotch, contemplating that then said, "Thank you."

"I met your father recently," I said. "I didn't like him much. He was ranting about your not coming back to the fold."

"I'm not surprised about either reaction. When I thought it was him who came here to ask me to help rebuild the Council, I felt like I was that scared little boy again and I hated it. Fred was so wrong. I had no idea it wasn't really my father when I shot him dead."

I saw the blue fire in his eyes, a rage I didn't know he had. "Wes, that thing was threatening to kill Fred. You did what you did to save her life."

"Perhaps. Still, I thought for sure I was killing my father and I was able to do so. It was terrifying. After it was over, I called England. He criticized me for calling at a bad hour of the day and proceeded to criticize every aspect of my life. Nothing had changed. I'm still the incompetent child in his eyes. Then the Council actually did ask him to ask me to come back, as if that thing pretending to be my father had a good idea. If they had really wanted me back, they'd have used anyone but him." Wes shuddered and I went over and grabbed his hand this time.

"I don't think they knew. They really did want you back. Giles was disappointed," I said.

Wes eased free of my grip to pour out third glasses for both of us. I sat back down. I was already feeling a little looped. I used to be able to drink with the best of them but a few dry years in jail and I seem to have lost my head for it. "Maybe I'll reconsider once things are a little less crazed here. I'll confess I'm feeling rather redundant at Wolfram and Hart. There's dozens of people who can do the research."

"I doubt Angel sees it that way, Wes," I said quickly. "He relies on you, trusts you probably more than anyone else."

"I wish I believed that, Faith. There's some kind of strain between us that didn't used to be there but I'll be damned if I know what it is," Wes confessed and I could see his pain over it. "But I'm staying here to help him, at least for now."

"I wish I knew why Angel wants to work for the law firm of evil." Might as well get someone else's point of view on this bit of weirdness. "Buffy and I thought it was kind of a dumb idea."

He shrugged. "I don't understand it myself. We do have a great wealth of resources here but we are expected to help some rather repugnant characters. I think mostly Angel is here because it was offered to him and he needs to know what Wolfram and Hart are up to. They wanted us here for a reason. I suspect it's to distract us from whatever else they're doing."

"So you're trying to find out and bring them down from the inside?" I asked rather skeptically.

"I suppose so." He glanced at the antique clock on his book shelf. "Angel should be back by now."

"B's probably still with Spike. I should go talk to Angel." I drained my scotch glass and stood up. The room spun. Damn if I wasn't a little drunk. "Thanks, Wes. You don't know what it means to me that you might not hate me."

He got up as well. "I don't hate you, Faith." 

"Thanks. And Wes, fighting beside you against Angelus, that was...well, not fun but you know what I mean. You've gotten damn good at it," I said and he beamed. Impulsively, I kissed him lightly and escaped the room.

It took a moment to remember where Angel's office was. I hated this building. It was cold and heartless, just like most of the people working in it from what I remembered and I remembered a lot; like Lilah and Lindsey merrily watching me pulverize a co-worker with no concern other than how it effected their dinner plans. What was Angel doing here? I had more immediate concerns, like was I too drunk to talk to him now? I shouldn't have had that last glass.

Harmony took one look at me, started shaking and ran into the office. I followed her then stopped dead. Angel was staring out the enormous windows, sunlight pouring over him and he wasn't turning into a huge pile of ash. 

"Boss man, there's someone to see you," Harmony babbled.

"Harmony, we've had this discussion. You use the intercom to tell me..." He trailed off as he turned around and saw me there. "Faith!"

"Guess Harmony didn't tell you B and I were in town," I said, wanting to drive the stake a little deeper in her. Harmony was that annoying.

His brow lowered, his dark eyes sliding towards the blonde idiot. "Harmony?"

"Oh, like I wanted to be the bearer of that news," she said, doing the head bobbing thing that just made her look like a drugged chicken. 

"Harmony, go," he said evenly but it might have just as well been a death threat. Harmony was gone. He looked at me, his face brightening.

"So how is it you're not a big pile of dust?" I gestured at the sun.

"Necro-tempered glass." He grunted as I ran over and hugged him. "It's good to see you again, Faith." He waited a beat then asked. "Buffy's here, too?"

"It's a two for one deal," I said, stepping back. "You weren't here when we got in so I think she..." Shit, should I even bring it up?

"Went to see Spike." He said it so calmly I couldn't tell if he was okay with it or trying to hide his hurt. "Why didn't you tell us you were coming?"

"That's more B's story than mine. Let's just say, we needed to get out of England before someone stopped us. You have no idea what it's like being the two oldest Slayers. We're expected to teach the newbies everything while doing our jobs, too. They wouldn't have let us come." I flopped down in one of his chairs. 

"I'm glad to see you." He sat, too. "Are you staying long?"

I shrugged. "No clue. That's up to B. I mean we gotta go back but not necessarily today or tomorrow." He seemed relieved by that. Shit, but he was pale. Seeing him in sunlight drove that home. I couldn't hold in a giggle. He looked at me curiously. "Sorry, Angel. Guess I had too much of Wes' scotch." His eyebrows rose higher. "I was thinking 'does Angel look better in sunlight or like me, does better with a little shadow'?"

"You'd look good in any light, Faith," he said and I could see how he had managed to charm so many girls over the centuries. 

"Thanks." I couldn't help but grin. My cheeks felt hot. _God, please tell me I'm not blushing_.

He smirked a little. "You were drinking with Wes?"

I nodded, looking down at my hands. They were getting old looking, veiny from all the stress put on them by the constant fighting and working the prison laundry room hadn't helped. "I tried to apologize to him for what I did. It was hard but I don't have to tell you that," I said and his eyes went downcast. Oh, he knew how hard it was to have done the things we've done and had to make amends for. "You and me, we know what it is to have to apologize for big evils. Well, Willow, too, but she and I still don't exactly get on. Wes offered scotch. I'm not gonna say no."

"I know exactly what you mean about apologizing," he said sympathetically. 

I nodded. "It went better than I could have asked for. Wes is a good man."

"I know."

"I hope you do," I said, wondering if he could read the warning in that. Did he know how close he was to losing Wes? "And I came back to properly say thanks for everything. You saved my life, Angel."

"And you saved mine. I'd call us even." His eyes had that rare, gentle look in them.

"Not quite even. You saved me twice, once from myself and once from that drug. You gave me a second chance, Angel. I know how rare those are. I just wanted you to know I'm not going to waste it." 

He smiled just slightly and even that didn't look quite right on his face. He didn't have a face made for smiling. "I trust you, Faith." Angel got up and looked back out the window.  He glanced over his shoulder at me. "Do you and Buffy have rooms? You look wrung out. You could go sack out on my couch if you don't."

I didn't doubt I looked like five miles of bad road. "Fred gave us rooms. I am exhausted. Long ass flight on top of all this emotional junk."

He came over and held out a hand to me. I didn't really need a hand up but I took it anyway. He hugged me again warmly. "I'm here if you need me, Faith."

"I know," I said, laying my head against his broad chest for a moment then took a step away. "And Angel, don't let Buffy leave without seeing you like this." I pointed to the windows again then dragged off to find my rooms.


	3. Spike

CHAPTER THREE - SPIKE  
  
In the lonely light of morning  
  
In the wound that would not heal  
  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
  
I've held so dear  
  
I had been totally unprepared for seeing Buffy. I wish I'd known she was heading here, not that I knew what I'd have done if I had warning. I had been harassing Knox, a new pastime of mine. He wanted Fred, any idiot could see that and he was afraid she wanted me. I agreed. Why else would she be working so hard to give me back my body? I knew Fred's reputation. First she was after Angel, then Gunn and Wes and Red. Now she's flirting with me and Knox. I'm not interested but I'm not letting Knox know that. It's not that I mind a good, old-fashioned good-time girl and Fred had that twiggy body I like to shag but she was too damn smart. She made me feel dumb and I couldn't deal. Besides, between Buffy and Dru, I'm not sure there's enough of my heart left to give to someone else.  
  
Not that I'd tell Knox that. I was having way too much fun torturing him. Soul or not, I've always got some shameful joy from it. I've always been good at it. I could get under Peaches' skin practically from the day I met him and his bint, Darla, was even easier. Buffy and the Scoobies weren't even a challenge. If I hadn't trusted Adam, I would have destroyed them then and there. How different my life would have been. I was so good at getting in their heads, twisting them around that Buffy couldn't ever lie to me. That's how I knew better than to believe her inside the Hellmouth when she said she loved me. She didn't but she wanted desperately to die having someone to love. Maybe I should have let her have that but I didn't want to go to my death believing in a lie, no matter how much I wanted it to be true.  
  
That was foremost in my mind seeing her mousing her way into the lab. Buffy looked utterly uncomfortable and I was sure it wasn't just seeing me again. She never did like school and science much, did she? That was more Red's realm.  
  
Knox headed her way immediately. "You can't be in here,'" he snapped, taking the bad mood I had put him in out on her.  
  
Buffy frowned at him. "Fred told me to come here."  
  
Knox gave her an unhappy once over, taking in those chunky heels Buffy was partial to, the ones I never knew how she could run in. His eyes went up the trim line of her legs to her short black skirt. She had given up short skirts in the last few years. The older she got, the more resigned to her life of battle she became. Mini shirts were impractical for that but I liked them. Her low-cut shirt was russet silk and for a moment I thought, 'Those are Dru's colors.' "You can't wear heels and mini-skirts in a lab," Knox told her officiously. "They're against OSHA regulations."  
  
I was surprised at that. Fred always wore heels and skirts that rode way up her skinny thighs. "Don't get your knickers in twist, Knoxie," I said and he scowled. "We'll go elsewhere. Come on Buffy."  
  
I moved past her and right through the wall. When she came through the door, she looked freaked. "Sorry, I forget myself sometimes. Most everyone here is used to this."  
  
She just stared at me, the muscles of her jaw working. She managed to say my name. Her eyes were filled with tears and it was killing me. I pretended not to notice. "I don't want to talk here," I said. "And they don't give ghosts an office around here. There's a nice little park, no Kews Garden mind you, but it's out the front door and down the block."  
  
"I...I saw it on the way in," she managed to say.  
  
"I'll meet you there," I said and went right through another wall.  
  
Damn, I wasn't prepared for this. I had been dying, more or less, to see Buffy again, to hear her, smell her, assure myself they weren't lying to me about her being all right. Now she was here totally unannounced and all I wanted to do was run.  
  
I was sure that Angel had no clue Buffy was on her way here. I know his moods too well for him to have hidden this. He's either all broody over this and that bit of nothing, or he's got this constipated look that means he's trying to hatch a plan. Given he's got more teeth than brain cells, it isn't easy for him. Then there's the 'I just had sex look' which I could do without ever seeing again. Wonder if Buffy has figured out yet there used to be orgies with me and Dru and him and Darla? Well, I won't be the one telling her.  
  
I had no idea what to say to Buffy. I had gotten used to her being out of my life. It had begun to hurt a little less each day and I felt like I was getting control of this funny little being known as me. She was an addiction for me and Angel. It did us no good to see her occasionally. It was like getting high one last time then having to go cold turkey all over again.  
  
Maybe I should just leave her sitting under the trees in that park, spare us all the heartache but I knew I couldn't do it. Even if I tried to, I knew Buffy would never let it go at that. I made my way to the park. It was harder than it sounded. I still wasn't used to being out in the sun. It actually bothered my eyes and I have to be very conscious when it comes to people dodging. That's what I get for being so lazy about it inside the law office.  
  
By the time I got there, Buffy had found a spot near a stand of some kind of flowering bush. Flower names were never my strong suit. I wished she had chosen to sit on the bench instead of standing, looking somehow formidable despite her size.  
  
We both just stared at each other in the bright light filtering through the leaves. I hadn't realized how worn she looked, like she was years older than she really was. My only instinct at that moment was to run off with her and force her to do nothing but sleep and eat until she lost the concentration camp victim look. Surely I shouldn't be able to count all the rib attachments to her breast bone, visible through the generous V in her blouse. Didn't she have more breast the night I first saw her in the dimness of the Bronze?  
  
I opened my mouth to say something but she held up a hand. "No! Let me say what I have to first," she ordered and I sank onto the bench, looking up at her. She hesitated for a moment as if she hadn't expected me to just give in that fast. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and said, "I never wanted this to happen." She waved a hand at me and I took that to mean my ghostly state. "I just wanted..."  
  
She broke off, looking away. I reached for her hand, forgetting myself. My fingers passed through hers. "Sit, Buffy."  
  
She collapsed down beside me, her eyes misty. "Thank you, Spike, for everything. We would all have died that day if not for you. This world isn't ever going to know how close it came to having hell on earth or what it cost to keep it safe."  
  
"One vampire ain't too much of a cost," I said and actually meant it. I might bitch and moan all the time that no one appreciated what I had done but the truth was, my death or whatever it was was the one good thing I had ever really done in my life. "Angel said that you lost Anya and Robin," I added and she bobbed her head. "I'm sorry...about them both." She gave me a look of disbelief over that. She figured I had to hate the man. "I miss Anya and I deserved what I got from Robin. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't enjoy the hell out of killing his mother 'cause I did."  
  
"I miss them both, too," she said, obviously trying to ignore the ugly part of what I had said. She looked even older. "You're not just going to let me say what I have to, are you?"  
  
"Not my style. I tend to ruin moments." I shrugged.  
  
"I just wish this wasn't so hard," Buffy said, looking like she were in pain.  
  
"It's pretty easy, luv. You can't be in love with a ghost," I said, practically. I never thought I'd be grateful for this noncorporeal state but I kinda was at the moment. It gave me an out. "And you never really were in love with me."  
  
She collapsed in on herself. It was killing me to see her like this. "Why didn't you believe me when I said that?"  
  
I leaned back. "You ain't a good liar...and you deserve better than me."  
  
Buffy grunted angrily, slapping a hand on her thigh with a crack. "You and Angel, always deciding what I deserve. You two are so much alike."  
  
"Take that back!" I flared my nostrils. Oh for a cigarette so I could blow smoke indignantly.  
  
She stared me down. "It's true, in a lot of ways. I wanted to thank you for more than just that last day in Sunnydale, Spike. I wanted to say thank you for saving me from myself. I know we've talked about this before but I wasn't sure if you believed me. I was drowning in my own darkness and you were the only one to throw me a lifeline."  
  
"Was I?" I asked and she gave me a curious look. "You used me, Buffy, just like you used Faith from what I've heard. You used us to touch the darkness, to play with it a little. We were someone to blame when you realized it felt good, even though you knew it was wrong."  
  
She shook her head violently. "That's not true."  
  
"No, it is," I said sternly. She needed to face this part of herself. If she didn't, it could be bad. I knew it from experience. "Look at all the things we've done together, Summers, especially when we were together. It's grim and ugly. You beat on me the way I used to beat on Dru. We both liked giving it and Dru and I both took it because we wanted to be loved so much it was worth the cost. Some people would say that's not love. I think that's a little too pat. It is love, twisted inside out, maybe but it's real."  
  
"And it's wrong," she said weakly. "I can't do it again."  
  
"Not asking you too, luv, even if I still had a body," I replied.'Liar,' my inner voice accused. Part of me wanted to but I wouldn't do it. I simply couldn't. "After what I did to you that time in your house, I don't deserve even having you look at me, let alone speak to me."  
  
She wouldn't look at me. "Maybe. Anyhow it's not Angel making me say this stuff..."  
  
"I know. Believe or not, we've talked about it," I said. Her head snapped up, her lips parted in surprise. "You gotta do what's good for you, Buffy. I know that if all things were equal and we were both standing here in the flesh you'd choose him."  
  
Her eyes went huge, whirlpools of pity and pain. "Spike, you don't..."  
  
"Yeah I do. I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt but I've always known it. I told you two as much, just like Dru knew I was going to fall for you. Damn her, she should have tried a little harder to fight for me. Never expected her to just bugger off and leave me." I looked away, watching some blasted squirrel race up and down a tree like mad. "She has to be afraid out there all alone. Dru always needed me or Angelus."  
  
"So you planning on going back to Dru." She tensed. "'Cause I'd have to..."  
  
I waved her off. "You can't go home again."  
  
Buffy let her head fall back, sun washing down over her upturned face. "I just wish it weren't so hard."  
  
"What's hard about it, Buffy? Do what you said you were going to do. Go find yourself. Maybe one day you'll come back to one of us." I shrugged. "Well, him. He'll probably still be waiting." That's right, Spike ol' boy, fall on your sword. She might even be touched by that. "Maybe I'll have a body by then. Fred's working hard on it. She's already spent over a million dollars trying."  
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow, some of her heavy mood lifting. "So you're the six million dollar man's unwanted stepchild?"  
  
I wagged a finger at her. "You're not even old enough to know who the six million dollar man was, what a bunch of bollocks. You should have seen the look on Peaches' face when Eve told him the cost, even before it hit a million dollars. If you had doubts you could shove a lump of coal between Angel's ample cheeks and get back a fist-sized diamond, you didn't after that."  
  
Buffy put a hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh. "Spike...."  
  
"Wot? It's true." I looked back toward the law office. "He oughtta be back by now, Buffy."  
  
She followed my gaze then looked back at me sadly. "Spike, I still feel like there's something between us that needs finishing or something."  
  
"There'll always be something between us. Maybe it's just friendship or maybe I'm just that touchstone you need whenever you need to channel a little of the dark side. Whatever. I'd love to say if you need me, I'll be there but that's a lie. I'm tied to L.A. of all bloody places." I shuddered, wishing I could light up. I mean, ciggies are one of my prime joys. "I can't leave here. If I could, I'd have you take that bloody amulet with you back to London. Not necessarily to be with you, no pressure there...just if I have to haunt someplace it ought to be home." She gave me that terrible sad look again. I had to tear my gaze away or I'd start crying; that's bad for the image. "How long are you going to be here, Slayer?"  
  
"I don't know. At least as long as it takes me and Faith to do what we have to."  
  
I glanced back at her. I am so out of the damn loop. "Faith's here, too?"  
  
She nodded. "She had some unfinished business, too. We're staying in the firm's suites."  
  
That made it hard, too easy a temptation to just ghost my way into her suite and wait for her, to tell her to wait for me, to do all the things I knew were wrong for us both. Instead, I just nodded toward the building. "There's been a lot of changes around here. I'm sure Angel will want to tell you all about it."  
  
She knew I was trying to get rid of her and she looked a little grateful for it. She smiled at me, and tried to touch my cheek, stopping just shy of putting her hand through my head. "He'll be in his office?"  
  
"Or moping in his condo in the penthouse." I got a wicked idea and ran with it. "Tell him you heard he loves my poetry." Her lips pulled into a little line. She had to have learned that look from Rupert. "Is he going to get mad?"  
  
I smirked. "What do you think?"  
  
She wagged her head. "You never change, Spike."  
  
"Why change perfection, luv?"  
  
I watched her go, thinking how wrong she was. I had changed, more than I could have thought possible, more than I ever wanted to. Once she was gone, I headed inside and did just what I said I wouldn't. I ghosted into the first of the guest suites. Women's clothes were strewn all over the bed where a battered suitcase rested. Mostly leather wear, not really Buffy's style. I heard the water running in the next room and walked through the closed door. I could just see hints of Faith's nubile body, like glistening caramels, through the steamed glass door of the shower. It's probably a good thing a ghost can't get a boner, at least not without extreme effort from what I've heard.  
  
Even when the shower turned off, I didn't take off like I should. As much as I had cared about Buffy, if she hadn't come back in that night in her basement I would have gotten a leg over on Faith. I still wanted a look at that body of hers.  
  
When Faith stepped out of the shower, I put on my best shocked face and tried to act all innocent. Faith yelped and took a swipe at me for all the good it did her. It did make her wet breasts bobble nicely. "Spike!"  
  
"Sorry, luv. I thought I heard something." I tried to maintain my innocent look.  
  
"What? You've never heard a shower going before?" She growled. Seeing I wasn't going anywhere, Faith just toweled off in no rush.  
  
"Things sound different when you're a ghost." I shrugged. Maybe it would be believable. "Can't have intruders and all that rubbish."  
  
Faith just rolled her eyes and headed into the bedroom. She dove under the covers. "So, why are you still here?"  
  
"Bored." I smirked. "Just enjoying the view."  
  
"Perv." She snuggled further down under the covers.  
  
"This from the woman who dressed up like a school girl with a bullwhip?" I shot back, trying to imagine her like that. Damn if it didn't sound like a fun way to spend the night.  
  
"Trust you to remember that." "Got a good memory," I assured her.  
  
"What I remember is you calling me stupid and a traitor," Faith said, rolling onto one side, her hair spilling over her shoulder.  
  
"You did force Buffy out," I bristled. This conversation wasn't going where I wanted it to. How could it have come to it? Me, the evil one, had been the only one standing at Buffy's side at the end.  
  
"Not me, the others and put me in charge whether I wanted it or not. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't want it," Faith said, her eyes fluttering shut briefly. She seemed too tired to argue.  
  
I decided not to follow up on that. I've had enough of the heart wrenching shit for one day. "I remember promises to ride me until my knees buckled."  
  
She snorted, her eyes opening to regard me. "Kinda not possible any more."  
  
"What?" I lifted one eyebrow. "You never saw Entity?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Before your time. I forget how young you and Buffy are." I sat on the edge of the bed. "Supposed to be a true story about a bint who was getting raped by a ghost."  
  
"Lovely. And they made a movie out of this?" Faith swept her hair back off her face.  
  
"Yeah. Doesn't seem bloody likely to me." I looked at my hands. "I can barely grab anything, even when I concentrate. Never tried to make my todger solid." I leered at her, running my tongue over my lips. "We could always give it a go."  
  
Faith kicked me through the covers, her foot passing through my chest. "Men! You never change, even when you die."  
  
"That's what makes us men." I grinned. "Was that a no to a good shag?"  
  
"Drop deader, Spike," she said but she was smiling.  
  
"Maybe after you get some sleep. You look knackered." I got up off the bed.  
  
"Oh, that'll make for a good entry in the ol' Slayer's diary. 'Dear future Slayers, today I screwed the ghost of a vampire'." Faith stretched, letting her eyes close.  
  
"It's a date."  
  
She didn't even look at me as she flipped me off. I laughed and headed off. I gave a moment's thought to going to spy on Angel and Buffy but that wasn't playing fair. I had had my time with her. I was man enough to allow him his. Time to go back and annoy Knox some more. 


End file.
